Eliminating My Jealous Nature
(Minghui.org) My work environment was typically very nice and quiet. However a co-worker, who was once sitting beside me, was always making disturbing sounds, like laughing, swearing or muttering to herself. My boss and others who were a certain distance away could not hear her. Only I, who sat close to her, could hear very clearly. This disturbed me a lot.
She was also selfish, stingy and mimicked others, which really upset me. She was always interested in prying into other people's information, regardless of whether it was business or in their personal life. However, when she was asked about herself, she never spoke and she pretended not to hear. She copied the clothes I wore and my supplies; she even arranged her desk and computer screen savers like mine. She dressed almost exactly the same as I did. This situation went on for a long time, and I endured it.
I had good intentions and gave her some suggestions. After several ineffective attempts to help her, I erected a partition like a "Berlin Wall" with bookshelves in between my seat and hers. However, the situation did not improve, but instead it intensified.
One Friday afternoon, her voice became louder, with her continuously laughing, swearing, and muttering. She almost drove me crazy. I felt my blood pressure rising and going straight to my head. I had shortness of breath, and I almost wanted to fight with her, or go directly to my boss to complain about her. Of course, I did not do that; I continued to restrain myself.
That entire weekend I wrote notes down to prepare myself to have a conversation with her. Thinking back on it now, the whole thing was ridiculous. But at that time, I was really filled with grief. I could not calm down without writing something down to address it.
I reviewed her background information: that she and I started in the same unit almost at the same time, but she was promoted to a full-time employee after six months. I am still an informal employee after two-and-a-half years. I was frustrated and depressed during those years. I could not believe she was promoted to a full-time employee. I could not accept it.
Finding My Attachment of Jealousy by Looking Within
I looked inward and asked myself if I was jealous and if I envied her. I thought she was ignorant and what she specialized in wasn't reflected in her work. I could understand feeling jealous of someone who was better than I, but that wasn't the case.
After I finished writing down my thoughts of what I wanted to say to her, I realized that I was indeed jealous of her. Precisely because she wasn't as capable as I was but achieved more benefits, and that she had been promoted to full-time earlier than I. This caused my jealous.
I kept writing, making new discoveries and gaining further understandings. I originally wanted to reason with her, and try to convince her to correct herself, but I found my own problems after I wrote the draft.
It seems that I hate noise, was too preoccupied with this, and placed too much focus on my environment and its conditions. But in essence, I was selfish since I tried to control others in order to make myself comfortable. I was listing her problems and was persistently focused on her bad behavior. I was actually trying to change her, without changing myself.
On Sunday evening I suddenly got an idea: I'll should just take down that "wall"! I was surprised I had that idea. I realized that I should unconditionally remove it, no matter what! At that moment, tears welled-up in my eyes, and I felt compassion and knew it was a good decision.
I realized jealousy was the origin of all this trouble. She had her issues, but the problem became worse when I had the attachment of jealousy. The more I wrote, the more problems I found. I did not realize I was jealous; then after I realized it, I did not want to believe it. I then decided I would like to disclose it and get rid of it.
My Colleague's Behavior Changed After I Improved My Moral Character
I originally tried my best to first change her, and then I would take down that wall. I then considered maybe I should take down the wall first. I finally decided to unconditionally take down the wall. This was my step by step process of improvement.
On Monday, I found that she really did not laugh, did not say bad words, and did not do much muttering. I was surprised! And she gave me the examination books I was wanting. She also did not imitate my clothes and supplies anymore. Looking back over those two years, my attitude towards her was really terrible. It was incredible.
After my xinxing improved, I enlightened further: I discovered that even what I wrote down was totally wrong because it was all accusations and asking others to accommodate my needs. The situation actually only needed tolerance rather than talk to be corrected! Then it would be solved, as she is still herself.
In order to be a real cultivator, I needed to be tolerant towards her and to look within. After I decided to tear down the “wall”, the situation changed. How miraculous it is to look inward.
I got rid of selfishness and protecting my private information. Others did not behave selfishly either. I quit focusing on myself and I got rid of the attachment of looking at the selfishness of other's, imitating, or making noise. It became a totally different situation after I improved. Reaching forbearance is not forced. It is true improvement. Nothing could bother me.
“Looking, but caring not to see—Free of delusion and doubt.Listening, but caring not to hear—A mind so hard to disturb.” (“Abiding in the Dao” in Hong Yin)
I eliminated the attachments of feeling disgust, being vengeful, and not forgiving. However, there were still some incidents that were not upright that could create a loophole, and that I needed to completely get rid of those attachments.
I discovered that my jealousy and anger were in fact not completely removed. I did not have such attachments to this specific person, but did when many of my colleagues who were going to participate in cultural programs or when they were being promoted. My heart would then churn again.
Some of them were younger than I, so they didn't have as much work experience as I did, but they would get things I wanted. I did not envy them with other things, but I did envy them when they were being promoted and their career development, academic achievement, and their talent. These are still attachments to fame and personal interest, and for me these attachments and jealousy were directly related.
China is such a complicated environment, and the moral standard is dramatically decreasing every day. As a young Dafa practitioner, I need to be diligent and righteous and follow Master's arrangement. Master said:
“To tell you the truth, the entire cultivation process for a practitioner is one of constantly giving up human attachments. In ordinary human society, people compete with, deceive, and harm each other for a little personal gain. All of these mentalities must be given up. Especially for people who are studying the practice today, these mentalities should be given up even further.” (“Lecture One” in Zhuan Falun)
I will definitely memorize Master's Fa and keep striving to get rid of my attachments.